My friends, it has been too long! We should definitely hang out more often. I’m going to make it a priority this year to give you, my movie buff buddies, more of my time and attention this year.
So what is on the movie menu for this month, you ask? Well, I’ve got some Brussels sprouts (Which you know you should eat but you aren’t too keen to try them. Then, when you do, they are actually a little worse than you remember them being) and a casserole (you aren’t really sure what is in there and it could be gross but it turns out to be way better than you thought). You are probably thinking I am stretching with my metaphor there but hang on, it is pretty apt.
Also, before you all start writing me angry emails defending Brussels sprouts, I’m just saying what most of your friends are thinking. Yes, I’m sure you know a great way to make Brussels sprouts so they taste amazing. But you know that most of the time they are kinda gross. Come on, you can admit it. We’re all friends here.
The Girl In The Spider’s Web (2018) [R]
I should say up front that I went into this prepared to dislike it. I didn’t have high hopes after watching the trailer. But then I thought, “Collin, how do you know you won’t like it if you don’t try a little?” Ah, see… like Brussels sprouts!
The Girl in the Spider’s Web is the second American movie version of a novel in the Millennium Series, which is the group of novels from which The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo originates. While it is the second American movie from the series, it is based on the fourth book in the series which is also the first book of the second trilogy (the first of which was authored by Stieg Larsson. The second trilogy has come from David Lagercrantz who started writing books in the series after Larsson’s death). Confused yet? Don’t worry. None of that is important here.
Why? Because outside of some of the characters being mostly the same, Spider’s Web doesn’t have much to do with the Dragon Tattoo trilogy. Oh sure, Lisbeth Salander is still the main protagonist and she is still roughly the same character. Mikael Blomkvist is still a writer. But even if you have never seen or read any of the previous films or books, this movie is kind of a reboot of the series.
Let’s talk about the plot, shall we? Lisbeth Salander is a vigilante / hacker who is hired to obtain a program called Firefall that can be used to access any nuclear device in the world. Because, of course, they all use the same operating system or password schema. Fine, I’ll suspend my disbelief a little. Ah, but there is a trick. You can’t make a copy of Firefall. You can only move the original program. Wait…. what? Look, I’m no computer scientist but that makes no sense. You know what, never mind, I’ll let that go too.
So she gets Firefall. But through a series of events that I will describe only as “highly unlikely”, she loses it just as she discovers that the key to unlocking the software is in the mind of a little boy whom she also loses. Oh, and there is an NSA guy after her. And the Swedish Secret Service. Frankly, the plot is ridiculous so I’m just going to stop talking about it.
I thought Claire Foy was good. Fede Alvarez, I mean, I still think he is a promising director but this was definitely a step back from Don’t Breathe and his remake of Evil Dead. But the thing that really killed this for me was the story. Maybe the book is better. I haven’t read any of the post-Stieg Larsson books in the Millennium Series so I don’t know. But there were just so many implausible things in Spider’s Web that I just got annoyed and stopped paying attention. It is very stylish and there are some good performances but unless you are just a really big fan of the previous trilogy of films, you might want to steer clear of this one.
5 paws out of 10
The House With A Clock In Its Walls (2018) [ PG]
Normally, my movie ratings track pretty closely what you see in the press or on IMDB. But I’m going to diverge on this one. I watched this a couple of weeks ago with one of my buddies who declared afterward “I liked this better than I liked any of the Harry Potter movies.” Now, I’m not going to go THAT far. But I will say this was far better than I was expecting based on reviews I had seen.
The movie begins with Lewis, whose parents have died, and who is being sent to live with his eccentric uncle Johnathan. Johnathan, played by a perfectly cast Jack Black, lives alone in a creepy old mansion that is filled with clocks. His neighbor Florence, played by Cate Blanchett, seems to always be over and working on something secret with Johnathan.
Lewis learns quickly that the house is actually haunted and that his new caregivers are a warlock and a witch. Johnathan and Florence are searching the house for a clock that was placed there by an evil warlock that they fear portends bad things to come.
The rest of the film revolves around Lewis building a new family, finding friends, learning magic and ultimately saving the world with the help of Johnathan and Florence. It is, to some extent, exactly what you would expect it to be: the sort of movie kids can watch at a slumber party for some spooky fun without being nightmare inducing.
Which is fairly surprising considering the director is Eli Roth of Cabin Fever and Hostel fame. Despite a career built on gore-filled horror movies, Eli Roth does a phenomenal job of making The House With A Clock In Its Walls tense and creepy but without going too far. If you remember any of the “scary” kids movies of the 80s (Monster Squad, Gremlins, etc…), this looks and feels remarkably close to that. The production design is great. There are a couple of effects shots that do look a little cheesy but otherwise, from a technical standpoint, this is a really good movie.
Who would have guessed that Jack Black and Cate Blanchett would make a good on-screen duo? Seriously, they are delightful together. And if you told me they were going to be in a children’s movie directed by Eli Roth, I would have called you crazy. But it works. In fact, it works so well, I’ve watched this three times now and I still think it is fun. I’m not going to go as far as my buddy but this is one of the best children’s movies I have seen in quite a while.
8 paws out of 10
As always, if you have a movie you think I should check out or you want to talk further about one of these reviews, drop me a line on Facebook.